Love and Healthy Relationships
Love and the Importance of Healthy Relationships
In her book All About Love, bell hooks describes some of the difficulties we have, as a society, understanding and cultivating a true sense of love. We have been misled to believe in a fantasy of romantic love, that inevitably leaves us disappointed and disillusioned. She argues that because of this, many of us in our society do not have a clue as to how to love. hooks quotes Harold Kushner who writes, “I am afraid that we may be raising a generation of young people who will grow up afraid to love, afraid to give themselves completely to another person, because they will have seen how much it hurts to take the risk of loving and have it not work out. I am afraid that they will grow up looking for intimacy without risk, for pleasure without significant emotional investment. They will be so fearful of the pain of disappointment that they will forgo the possibilities of love and joy”. So what does it take to cultivate and nurture a deeper sense of love? How do we love those around us in a way that feels truly authentic and whole? And most importantly, how do we love ourselves?
According to psychologist John Wellwood PhD, author of Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, there are several key factors to creating and cultivating healthy and loving relationships. Some of these are:
Emotional Presence and Awareness: It is important that we are emotionally present in relationships. This means cultivating awareness of one’s own feelings and being attuned to the emotions of others. Healthy relationships require individuals to be fully present, listen deeply, and respond with empathy.
Healthy Boundaries: There is a need for clear and respectful boundaries in relationships. This involves knowing where one person ends and the other begins, respecting personal space, and understanding the limits of emotional and physical intimacy. Healthy boundaries allow individuals to maintain their sense of self while being connected to others.
Mutual Growth: In a healthy relationship both partners should contribute to each other’s growth. Rather than trying to change or control one another, partners should support each other’s personal development, encourage learning, and help one another navigate life’s challenges. A relationship should be a space where both individuals can flourish.
Non-Demanding Love: Love in healthy relationships should not be driven by neediness or dependency. Healthy love is unconditional and free from demands for validation or approval. Partners should be able to love each other without trying to "complete" one another or fulfill each other's unmet needs.
Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity: Vulnerability is essential for creating deep and authentic connections. Healthy relationships require individuals to be open and transparent about their feelings, fears, and desires. This openness fosters trust, intimacy, and a sense of safety, allowing both partners to be their true selves.
And above all else, it is impossible to commit to a loving relationship without having the capacity to love oneself. Tara Brach, psychologist and mindfulness teacher puts it this way, “You cannot give what you do not have. To love others, we first need to love and accept ourselves." It is only when we offer true love and acceptance to ourselves, can we authentically love someone else. So, as we consider the meaning of love, begin with the intention of knowing, accepting and being open to yourself. Many of us get stuck in patterns of being too hard on ourselves. When this occurs, learning to break this pattern can be difficult. However, it should be our number one priority to learn to practice self acceptance and self compassion. And when this becomes too challenging, please reach out for support. From friends, family, and when needed, a therapist.
